


seasalt resolve

by diolis



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canon Universe, Depression, Found Family, Gen, post kh3 but like dont worry abt kairi or sora, survivors guilt.. in a sense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-08 02:43:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20828081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diolis/pseuds/diolis
Summary: Xion wonders why she still feels guilty for existing and slowly figures out she shouldnt and no longer will apologize for who she is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i really love the seasalt family but! i wanted to explore the feelings of resentment and bitterness in xion and roxas towards saix and all the things he did and said in the past... and that even if isa wants to make up for what hes done, xion has no obligation to forgive him but can still move on and accept his attempts at kindness. that being said i have no idea how long this is going to be!

Digging her feet into the warm sand, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Xion pushes a tuft of her hair behind her ear and lets the cool breeze wash over her as she listens to the smooth tide of the sea come in and recede once again in tune with her own breaths. She felt at peace as the setting sun warms her skin. Everything that had felt all too familiar - seemingly without reason - had come back into place. This island was her home and at the same time, it wasn't. Stolen memories of a bubbly girl, from a boy's heart of gold, was she anything more than that? She wants to believe as much. The memories she had made with Roxas and Axel were everything to her. She wanted nothing but to stay by their sides forever - and now, she could! Easy as that. No guilt should hold her anymore. Roxas is back, Axel is recompleted, Sora is awake too. She could have everything she wanted, and she did. Her life with her best friends, living it without holding someone else back. And yet - it felt so wrong to her, to be sitting here in the sand, listening to the all too comforting waves, and feeling the warm sun and the cool breeze. Sure, it's okay now. She's not taking space that she shouldn't. She's got her own body, her own heart, her own memories. She is entirely herself. Just Xion. ...But is that enough?

Opening her eyes again, she gazes out at the open ocean, watching the sun disappear behind it. Digging into her pocket she pulls out a shell she had picked up earlier. Holding it in her hand, she traces its ridges up and down. A comfort so strong - yet... her heart aches. Clutching the shell over her heart, Xion looks down at her legs half buried in sand. This is real. She's alive again. A shaky breath escapes her, shuddering at the thought, _I'm alive. Alive._ She tries to smile but her heart keeps tugging her in all directions. _I'm alive..._ Her face scrunches as her eyes begin to water. _Why is this so hard? Why am I here? Is it really okay? What right do I have?_ Collapsing into herself she quietly lets the sobs escape from her. Crying to her heart's content.

As her sniffles die down and she regains composure, Xion looks back up at the sunset before her. Pocketing the shell again, her hand stretches out forward. The occasional tear still spilling from her eyes, she summons her keyblade. A hefty hunk of metal, so clunky and inelegant but, so comforting in her grip. Its weight is so welcome in her hand. This is her weapon. This is her heart. This is her vow as a guardian of light. Glancing over the simple design, she takes it all in. Every scratch and imperfection. The dull grey, the bright yellow, the bit of dark blue. The warm light bouncing off of it, shining so bright she can't look at it for too long before it begins to hurt. With a deep breath, it vanishes from her hand with a flash of light.

Wiping her face dry, she picks herself up from the sand and makes her way down to the water. She takes her time looking for two more seashells, pristine and cool in design. Only half a mussel shell just wouldn't do for her best friends. It needs to be something pretty and perfect to show her love. It can't be cracked, no chips, certainly not only a piece of one! It has to be just right and beautiful in colour. Walking along back and forth on the beach, she loses herself trying to find the perfect shells for Roxas and Axel. The sun is almost completely gone as she finishes her finds. Rinsing the handful of shells she's collected in the ocean she shakes them as dry as she can before stuffing them into her pockets.

Taking one last glance at the ocean, she smiles, something bright and genuine. "Thank you." she mumbles to herself and dusts off her feet before slipping into her sandals, making her way off home.

* * *

Opening the door she calls out, "I'm home." Lets herself in and takes care not to track sand all over the house, closing the door behind her.

The sound of quick steps running down the stairs fills the house. As Roxas practically jumps off the final steps to wrap her in a hug he exclaims, "Hey Xi!" 

"Welcome back, Xion." Isa, peaks through the doorway with Axel. "You were out for quite some time. What is it that you were doing?"

With Roxas's arms slacking to let her go, she reaches into her pockets for his particular shell. Handing it to him with a smile, she digs for the next prettiest one for Axel. Answering Isa's question with her actions, Xion made her way to the dining room to place the rest of the shells on the table. She was always nervous around him. Isa is a lot nicer to her than he was as Saix but... his eyes still seem so cold and piercing. His voice was softer with her now but still, she winced with every word expecting disappointment and an insult. She hadn't picked a specific shell for him, she wasn't sure if Isa would even care if she gave him one or not. The collection of seashells she had gathered were all very pretty but they paled in comparison to the ones she got specifically for Roxas and Axel. She looked through, her hands trembling slightly at the thought that he might notice and get angry. 

Then, almost as if to cut through her thoughts, a hand reached over hers to a particularly bland yet still pretty looking blue shell. Xion froze for a split second in surprise. Not daring to look up until she hears Isa ask, "Is it alright if I take this one?" To her surprise she sees a faint and warm smile across his face.

Nodding, she gathers the shells again, not quite sure what to do with herself. "Um..." She fumbles for words, but only an apology runs across her mind, "Sorry they're not as pretty.." her voice stays low, trying not to waver. 

Roxas shoots a glare in Isa's direction - clearly still not on solid terms - but is quickly shut down by Axel using him as an armrest. With a short fuse, Roxas of course, begins to fuss and bicker jokingly with Axel. For a moment Xion truly feels at home again and lets out a soft laugh, quickly halted by Isa's voice again.

"I think this one is the prettiest." Isa reaches a moment to ruffle her hair, like he thinks Axel would but stops himself. It seems too unnatural for him and he noticed her flinch... And he can't blame her. "Thank you, Xion."

Xion smiles as best she can, "Of course!" Glancing in Roxas's direction, she meets his eyes and he gives her a single nod of understanding.

"Come on, Xion. I gotta show you this goofy picture I took of Riku. He hates it, so naturally I have to show everyone!" Roxas places a hand onto her back and leads her up the stairs into his room. Of course, not before scowling one last time in Isa's direction.


	2. Chapter 2

Letting out a deep breath, it already feels so much easier to breathe in Roxas's room as he closes the door behind them. They both take a moment to themselves to just breathe and gather themselves - Xion from her panic and Roxas from his anger. 

Xion looks back at him and smiles softly, "Thanks, Roxas." 

Smiling back, Roxas slides down the door taking a seat, "yeah, of course." He lets out a soft laugh and takes his phone out of his pocket, "Now get over here, that wasn't a lie. I have that stupid picture and you have to see it."

Placing the seashells onto his desk, she makes her way against the door down to his side. Laying her head on his shoulder she watches idly as he pulls up the photo he _just absolutely must_ show her. And with just a few taps they're both sent into a laughing fit at the sight of a distressed Riku sneezing uncontrollably from a chief puff. 

After a few minutes pass, a comfortable silence falls upon them. Xion watching him cycle through the same three apps, Roxas comfortably holding her weight attempting to entertain the both of them even slightly. This was always something that came easy, this closeness between them. I suppose when you're crammed into a heart together for a year it just feels weird to be apart. Practically laying on each other and sticking side by side just made it easier. Roxas shivered slightly at Xion's touch at first. Her skin still cold from the cool night air. Though, instead of pulling away, he placed his arm around her and pulled her closer to keep her warm.

Locking his phone, Roxas stared up at the ceiling, "Hey Xion?" He paused for a moment, wondering if he should give her a blanket or something. "Are you okay?"

Sitting up to face him, she took his hand in hers. "Yeah, I think I'm alright now."

Her eyes were still a little red from crying and she looked so tired. Roxas asked her in as soft a voice as he could, "Are you sure?" Just then tears began to well up in her eyes again. As they began to pour she hid her face in her hands as if she were trying to stuff them back in. Roxas panics for a moment, "Whoa hey-" he cautiously places a hand on her shoulder. Stumbling over his own words, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry.." he scoots closer and rubs circles on her back. "Cry as much as you need." He whispers softly as he takes her into his arms.

Through her sobs she apologizes over and over, to be met with Roxas's gentle voice reminding her it's okay. Clinging to Roxas's shirt tightly, feeling the warmth of his presence brings her another heart aching comfort. This is home but why does it hurt so much? Feeling the fabric of his shirt in her hands, between her fingers. The pull of something real. Rubbing her thumb to feel over the texture of the fabric gripped in her hands it hits her all over again. _This is real. I'm here. He's alive. We're both really here._ So many feelings rush through her, happiness, content, guilt, dread. Her heart is so full, just like _that _time. Foolishly as if they could get any closer than they are, her arms tighten around Roxas's stomach, burying her face til she almost can't breathe. Running a hand through her hair, Roxas accepts it and tightens his hold on her as well. Waiting out the tears he lays his head on top of hers. 

"This is real." Xion's muffled voice comes from below him.

"Huh?"

"This is real." she repeats, lifting her head up to face him again. Though, its clear the affirmation was more for herself than to answer him.

Roxas smiles at her sheepishly, not really sure what to make of the situation. He was never really the best at understanding other's feelings. "Yeah, isn't it great!" he lets out a nervous laugh.

Lowering her head again, she breathes deeply in an attempt to regain composure. Sitting up again, she adjusts her position to lay against Roxas's legs. Not making eye contact, "Roxas..."

"Yeah?"

"Is this... really okay?"

"Of course it is. So what if you spill a few tears on my shirt, sometimes it just happens-"

Cutting him off, her voice begins to shake again, "No, I mean... to exist. Is it really okay for me to be here...?"

Roxas feels his heart sink, "Of course, Xion. We have every right to be here. Sora gave his all to bring us back."

"He gave his all to bring you and Namine and Ven back. He didn't know about me. Nobody did." Xion's voice cracks as her tears spill again despite all her efforts to keep them at bay, "I was never a person, I wasn't supposed to exist."

"Xion..." Roxas sighed, not sure what to say. Technically, he wasn't supposed to exist either. He wasn't supposed to be his own person. What makes Xion so different? If she's happy that he's alive... Shouldn't she be happy that she's alive too? He just doesn't get it. "Xion, what does that matter?" 

"Everything!"

Wiping her tears away to look into her eyes, he keeps his soft gentle tone, "We're not hurting anyone anymore, Xion. It's okay."

Unable to speak, she curls into his lap and cries out a second time. This time, unsure if it's the same feeling as the first. The hopeless comfort of his words make it so hard. The hopeless comfort of everything around her is just too much. Why is everything so perfect? This can't be right. It just can't. But here she lays in the comfort of her best friend's lap. Crying her eyes out as he tries desperately to make her feel better. They're real people now but it feels just too good to be true. Where's the catch? What if Sora falls into another deep sleep? What if his heart is out of order again because his memories aren't all there? What if? What if? What if...

Soon enough, all of Xion's worried thoughts meld together into one mangled mess and begin to fade. The exhaustion begins to take her and slowly she falls asleep right there in Roxas's arms with only a few sniffles left. Not sure what to do, he sits still and peacefully watches her, thinking about what she said. _So what if we weren't meant to exist. We do! And I won't let anyone take our lives away from us ever again._ Calming back down, he runs his hand through her hair. _You don't get to create us and then just rip us apart when it doesn't suit you anymore. All we wanted was to stay together forever. Why was that so much to ask? Why does it have to weigh on her conscience so much...? Why don't I know all the magic words to just make it all go away for her?_ Closing his eyes, he took steady deep breaths, thinking what he could say to her in the morning to make her feel better. Nothing seemed good enough or really what she would want to hear. He didn't know she was so devastated by this all. Of course, he was too but... he felt differently. He felt anger and jealousy. He wanted to hate Sora for having to give his life for him. It was out of his control but that feeling wasn't. That rage, it shielded him. To be truthful, it still does. Isa's face alone irritates him from all the stuff he said in the past about Xion. The lies Axel fed him, the things everyone kept from him, as if he couldn't handle it or wasn't important enough to let know. It all frustrated him from how much it hurt. He didn't like to think about that stuff, when he did, he just got angry. Again and again. Sometimes he could play it off, poke fun and bicker until he was okay again. But sometimes it stirred and boiled in his blood. _Everything is okay now so why am I still so angry?_ Sighing, trying not to get worked up with a sleeping Xion in his lap, he shifted slightly to get as comfortable as a floor and door would let him and let himself drift to sleep.

* * *

Listening to the light pats of footsteps grow more distant up the stairs, Isa inspects the shell he chose again. It's a large fragment rather than a complete one like Roxas and Axel had received. Still, it shined in the light a soft glittery blue showing flecks of gold and silver. As he ran his thumb down the spiral curve he let out a sigh. This was all very difficult to him, feeling. Truly feeling. Experiencing comfort and joy again, still despite everything, he held a pang of jealousy each time he looked at Roxas and Xion. It ate at him, what a fool he'd been. Atoning for what you've done is hard when you're too busy wallowing in your own self pity.

Axel watched his little friends disappear up the stairs before leaning up against the door frame, leisurely. "Thank you, Isa." Axel spoke, his voice quiet but with genuine gratitude, "I know this is hard - especially with Roxas but, I can see you're trying."

Isa glanced at him a soft smile. Taking a seat at the table he couldn't help but feel a bit overwhelmed. It was so little yet so much. "Was it wrong of me to ask for this?" 

"She's got tons of 'em, man. 'Sides, she laid 'em out on the table didn't she?"

Looking at it again he slumped over the table, feeling it over. "I suppose... but say she only wanted to show the rest she had gathered?"

Axel slides into the seat next to him, propping his head up with his hand. "It's a piece of a shell, dude. Don't over think it." Placing his other hand over Isa's he huffs, breaking into a goofy grin he just can't hold back. "Seriously, it's fine."

Returning a softer smile, Isa nods, "Sure."

Isa felt a smaller comfort in feeling Axel's hands over his. Like these small moments were the only times he was allowed to breathe. Returning to light, you'd think everything would be just fine now. Perfect and happy but, times with Axel out and the two home felt so uncomfortable he almost wishes he was back at the castle. It was big, so much breathing room. But in such a small mundane house as this, it felt all too painfully intimate. Were those times of Axel's absence meant to bring them closer? Was he meant to try to reach out? Or was he to simply wait until one of them wanted to? Though, it didn't seem like they ever would. Not that they all fought everyday - though Roxas has a habit of bickering more with him - but it was clear that everyone in this house was uncomfortable. Only here because Axel asked them to be and not really because they could call this place a home in their hearts.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the middle of rewriting this chapter! sorry its taking me a while i guess im a bit harsh on myself;; either way hope u like it so far :)!

Sitting up at the usual spot, Xion took a bite of her ice cream waiting for Roxas and Axel to join her. As she sat in her stuffy leather coat she began to think of what other fun things they might all do tomorrow. Maybe they could goof off a bit somewhere else before having to RTC. Not that their usual spot atop the clocktower was bad... There's just gotta be more out there right? So why not go see it? The members of the organization were to refrain from interacting with each world's inhabitants but, they already break the rules everyday to buy their ice cream. Besides what's so bad about being seen if you're not really doing anything important?

Staring out at the sunset it seemed to go faster than usual. It was already getting dark and still neither of her friends were to be found. Worrying that they may have gotten hurt, she gets up from her spot to leave. Though, in the shadows of the exit she sees a lumbering figure, eyes piercing right through her. Xion's breath gets caught in her throat, freezing up in shock. She takes a step back on instinct but, not fast enough - she realizes her mistake. There's no more ledge to step back on. Stumbling, she begins to fall backwards, watching the darkness of the figure only spread to cover the entire sky. As she hits the ground, it shatters as if glass and tumbles into a void of endless darkness.

"Roxas?" She calls out, hopelessly. "Roxas..? Axel!" But even with all her hope, there is no flash of light. There is no salvation this time.

Slowly, she manages to get up off the ground. Looking down for only a second, another breath caught when glancing back up met with thousands and thousands of blank replicas. Empty puppets, like her. Though their faces eyeless, she can feel each and everyone of them staring right through her. One by one each turn into someone. No one. Her. Multiple Xions surround her, soulless eyes staring back. _Is that..what I look like?_ Soon enough, a few here and there, their faces change to Sora's. To Roxas's. To Kairi's. Monotonous, they all laugh, getting closer and closer, until they pile and seem like they just might drown her. Suddenly, each one falls to the floor lifeless at once again, retaining their haunting appearance. 

Scared, she reaches out, finally gathering the will to fight back. But nothing happens. _No, not again... not again not again not again! Not right now! Please!_ As much as she begs and pleas her keyblade won't come to her. Feeling the tears well up in her eyes, she collapses. 

"What good am I if I can't use the keyblade?"

"Just a useless defect." An all too familiar voice cuts through the endless shadows.

Glancing back up, before she can even react, she sees the towering figure coming straight for her. Somehow, in the pitch dark of this void, he seems even darker. Only yellow eyes fixed right on her. Bracing, the impact throws her back into a wall. Wincing, she blinks a couple of times, the light of the sunset returning to her.

"The clocktower?" She wonders aloud as she uses the ledge to pick herself back up.

"Xion." Roxas's voice.

Looking out towards the sunset, there he is. "Roxas!?" She calls out in relief. The joy of being reunited again fills her to the point she begins climbing over the ledge without thinking. Stumbling, she catches herself this time, shocked that the laws of nature still seemingly apply to her. "Roxas!" She calls out again, reaching for him.

Walking towards her through thin air, Roxas pulls down his hood. "Don't make me do this, Xion." Tears roll down his face, "Please..." Running towards her now, full speed with intent in his eyes. He leaps and crashes his keyblade down towards her.

Gasping, she screams, "Wait!" Bracing for another hard impact.... but it never lands. Peaking from behind her arms, she sees him fall back losing consciousness. "No!" she screams, catching his arm she begins to plummet with him.

Dissipating in her hands, she hears his voice call out to her in her head, "Don't worry, Xi. I'll be right here. Always."

Hitting the ground of the tram station plaza, Xion jolts awake. Heart pounding in her chest, she sees Roxas, still right there asleep against the door. Letting out a soft sigh of relief, she carefully lifts herself from his legs not to wake him. Sitting up, she stretches and looks around the room. Not a lot she can do, without waking him that is. Absentmindedly, as if in an attempt to shake off the anxiety, she gathers a couple of his pillows from his bed and places them under him as best she can. 

Sitting beside him, she twiddles her thumbs, looking around for something to save her already. Not a lot of books, don't want to invade his privacy playing on his phone either. She likes his room but right now its unbearable with him sleeping in it. Her mind keeps replaying the nightmare in her head. Saix looming over her. Always watching, judging. Always disappointing him. The empty vessels surrounding her. Roxas fading, as if she had succeeded that time on the clocktower. Wringing her wrists, each part plays over and over and over again. Collapsing onto herself, she folds down beside him, hoping for better dreams. To just stop thinking maybe. Just for a second.

* * *

The warm breeze passed through wafting the smell of the ocean. Xion took in a peacefully deep breath, her head resting on the window sill, eyes closed. The late morning sun shined down on her, warming her skin. She listened to the seagulls squawk as they flew overhead, the occasional car driving by, the idle chatter of neighbours outside. This place, the islands, they were so lively compared to that cold isolated castle she used to call home. The complete opposite of the perpetual night, such a bright warming light, protective and growing. Full of colours other than black white and grey; the beautiful blue of the sea and sky, the soft white sand, the green grass, flowers in almost every colour, houses filled with life. These islands were completely different from the castle but they are more of a home in her heart than the castle she came from could ever be. The streets and beaches always full of kind people going about their own business, happy to greet her, happy to help when she needs directions. Not a single shadow in sight, like this world just glows with the same pure white light its princess has to offer. She took in another deep breath, this was her home now, she was full of life too. Not a puppet, not anymore. Just a girl with a heart of her own, grown from the love of her friends.

The bed shifted beneath her as Roxas climbed in, sitting against the wall right next to her. Neither of them said anything, it was enough to just be in each others presence doing their own thing. Even if that thing might be accidentally taking a nap hanging on your best friend's window sill. Roxas glanced over to her and smiled to himself. Lifting his pillow he took something from under it, clutching it to his chest.

"Xion?" he started. She hummed in reply. "I want to give you something."

"What is it?" She lifted her head to face him.

Reaching his hand out, he waited til she placed her hand over his. "I've kept this for a long time, it gave me comfort even when I couldn't remember why." Roxas smiled placing the object into her hand. "But now that you're back. I don't need it anymore."

Xion looked confused and a bit flustered - moving to surprise once his hand moved away leaving a pink and yellow thalassa shell to be seen. Her heart felt so heavy and so light at the same time. The last shell she got before she returned to Sora. Roxas had kept it this whole time? Even when he didn't know she existed anymore? Tears began to form in her eyes - smiling as she heard Roxas' gasp. Holding it close to her, she pulled him in for a hug. "Thank you, Roxas."

Roxas' worry faded as he hugged her back, a soft smiling on his lips. "Of course."

* * *

As he hurriedly rolled up his pants in the hallway, Roxas knocked on the doorframe to Xion's room. "Hey Xi, wanna go see Namine and the guys?" He had been pretty bored, it was obvious to see he's been waiting for someone home to suggest going out or to be invited somewhere. Roxas knew he was free to go about on his own but, he didn't like it much... He treasured being close to Xion and Axel, even if he was bored out of his mind. He couldn't stand being alone for too long. After a while - he couldn't tell you why - but he started to get a bit embarrassed by how many times he asked his friends if they were free, what they were up to, if they had a spot for a plus one. "She said they're hanging out at their spot again and invited us."

Xion looked back at him, hunched from her desk, "Yeah! Just a second."

He came up behind her and leaned down over her shoulder to watch. She was making matching bracelets out of red purple and black threads and little seashells. Two of them had already been finished and laid neatly to the side atop some books. Taking a closer look, he noticed one of the bracelets had a blue thread weaved in it. Before he could ask, Xion slipped on one of the bracelets she'd made and handed the other to Roxas.

"I'm ready!" She beamed and started out the door.

Roxas blinked in momentary confusion, "Oh, yeah. Thanks Xion!" Slipping on the bracelet he followed her down stairs where they both put on their flip flops. Roxas opened the door as he called out to Axel, "We're going to hang out with Namine."

From the living room he heard his friend reply, "Alright, be back by six. Isa's cooking tonight."

He nearly grumbled back "Gotcha." Before taking Xion's hand and walking out the door. 


End file.
